I thought I was dying.
I always think I’m dying when I run. Don’t get me wrong – I DO love to move and challenge my body and question what’s physically possible. I just don’t enjoy running as much as pretty much any other form of exercise. ***and that’s okay*** Long ago I vowed to listen to my body when it comes to exercise and ask myself who I’m moving for. When I was coaching and working out at my CrossFit gym, my workouts were never for me. They were for my ego, so I wouldn’t be seen as a hypocrite, not practicing what I preached. Some days they were a form of punishment for eating this or that. Other days the motivation was one of anger and the monologue went something like “think about dad. Don’t you think he wishes he could get up and move around and work out instead of fight for his life? You’re alive, you’re healthy, and you better shut up, grind through it and not complain.” Seriously. Sound familiar?
These days, I ask “Who am I moving for? What’s my motivation? Why am I doing this?” When the motivation is fear, I stop. Fear of what others are thinking about me (they’re probably not), fear of looking unfit (why does that matter?), fear of getting cancer (nothing can guarantee that won’t happen anyway), fear of judgment (most frequently my own). Fear fear fear.
I want to tell fear to eff off. ****
When I asked myself these questions the other day on a group run, I heard my body speak back. I wasn’t running because I wanted to, because it felt good, or because my body enjoyed the experience. The answer came back loud and clear : I was running because of ego. …and so I stopped.
I stopped, split from the group and walked – thoroughly enjoying being outdoors. The trail led to a bridge where I read these words: my heart beats on.
My heart. It’s mine.
It beats – loudly and clearly – and let’s me know I’m still alive. I am alive, I did not die, and thanks to inquiry, I learned something about myself.
Why do YOU do the things you do? What’s your motivation? Is it fear?
#100shotstolearn #the100dayproject #thesweatlife